A New Way to Understand Erectile Dysfunction (Without Shame or Pills)
Let’s start with something no one says often enough:
Erectile dysfunction doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It doesn’t mean you’re weak, unlovable, or any less of a man.
It means something in your system is out of sync. That’s all.
And that—if you’re willing to listen—is not a life sentence. It’s a signal. A nudge. A chance to reconnect with your body and your truth in a way most of us were never taught.
You’re Not Alone—Not Even Close
ED is far more common than most men realize. According to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases, around 30 million men in the U.S. experience some form of erectile dysfunction.
It’s not just an “aging issue.” A 2013 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 1 in 4 men seeking help for ED were under 40.
You’re part of a much larger story that hasn’t been told with enough compassion or honesty.
It’s Not All Physical—And That’s Not a Cop-Out
Yes, physical causes matter:
- Circulatory issues
- Hormonal changes
- Side effects from medication
- Neurological conditions
And if you haven’t seen a doctor, it’s a good idea. You deserve to rule out medical causes and explore treatment options without shame.
But for many men, ED is also emotional, psychological, or relational.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, psychological factors are responsible for up to 20% of all ED cases, and they often coexist with physical contributors.
Researcher Dr. Mark Allen notes that our mindset and pyschology including personality, depression, performance worry and stress can all contribute to erection problems. Additionally, he notes men experiencing ED can have negative effects including feelings of humiliation and emasculation, decreasing self0confidence and self-worth as well as feeling isolated.
🧭 Want to explore what your body might be telling you—in a private, guided space? I help men navigate ED with strategy, empathy, and zero shame. [Let’s Talk →]
When the Mind Turns Against the Body
For most men, the hardest part of ED isn’t what happens in the bedroom—it’s what happens in the mind afterward.
“Why can’t I get it up?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“She’s going to think I’m not attracted to her.”
“Am I even a man if I can’t perform?”
These thoughts don’t just hurt—they activate the fight-or-flight response, which makes the problem worse. ED becomes a loop of shame, pressure, and withdrawal.
This doesn’t make you less of a man. It makes you human.
There’s More to Sex Than Performance
One of the most important mindset shifts I help clients embrace is this:
Sexual confidence isn’t about performance—it’s about presence.
We were taught to achieve, to perform, to “succeed.” But presence—being attuned to your body, your breath, your partner, and the moment—is what actually creates satisfying intimacy.
When we stop treating sex as a pass/fail test, the nervous system can relax. That’s when arousal can return—naturally, gently, and without pressure.
ED Isn’t a Failure — It’s a Feedback Loop
- 🔁 Thought: “Will this happen again?”
- 🧠 Brain enters fight/flight
- 💉 Bloodflow diverts → no erection
- 😞 Shame, panic, disconnection
- 🔁 Starts again
A Note for Partners
If you’re reading this because your partner is experiencing ED: thank you. It takes courage to be here.
Your partner is likely navigating a mix of confusion, fear, and internal pressure. What they need most is safety, not solutions.
Try this:
- Focus on connection, not outcomes.
- Stay curious, not critical.
- Let them know they’re still wanted, still worthy, still whole.
When to Seek Medical Support
If this is a new or worsening issue, or if it’s impacting your relationship or mental health, speak to a professional. That might mean:
- A primary care provider
- A urologist
- A therapist who understands male sexuality
ED medications boost a chemical in your body called nitric oxide, which encourages the muscles in your penis to relax. This allows blood to flow freely so you can get and maintain an erection when you’re aroused.
Medical treatment options can help, but they’re not the only path—and they’re not a “fix” for the deeper emotional and relational layers.
You deserve support from every angle.
This Might Be the Beginning of Something Deeper
Yes, ED can be deeply frustrating. But it can also be a turning point—a moment where you stop pretending everything’s fine and start listening to your body’s deeper truth.
You don’t have to navigate that alone.
Looking for a Safe, Judgment-Free Space?
If this resonates, you’re not broken—and you don’t need to prove anything. You might simply be ready to do this work in a different way.
Private coaching offers a space to be fully seen and supported without shame.
Online courses and guided experiences are coming soon.
Curious about working together? Book a confidential discovery call →
Final Thoughts
You’re not broken.
You’re in transition.
And this experience—however painful it feels right now—might be the start of a completely different relationship with your body, your desire, and yourself.
You are worthy of healing. You are worthy of intimacy. And you are not alone.
About the Author
Brendan Abbott is a certified life coach, Master NLP practitioner, and trained hypnotherapist with over 20 years of leadership experience—including 10 years in senior executive roles. He specializes in helping men reconnect with confidence, presence, and emotional truth—especially around intimacy, identity, and purpose.
Through coaching, content, and compassionate conversation, Brendan creates discreet spaces where high-achieving men can explore the deeper layers of their inner life without shame or judgment.
He is currently completing additional certifications in embodied intimacy and Gottman-based relationship work.
“You’re not broken. You’re in transition. This is the beginning of something deeper.”
