A new study reveals kink isn’t just about behavior—it’s shaped by your desires, your identity, and how openly you relate to this part of yourself.

Kink Is More Common Than You Might Think

For something so often whispered about, kink is surprisingly widespread. New research reveals that over half of all people—53% of men and 65% of women—have fantasized about being dominated. And roughly 60% of men and nearly half of women have imagined taking the dominant role themselves.

And yet, only a small portion—around 7.6%—actually identify as BDSM practitioners. This gap between fantasy, behavior, and identity suggests that kink isn’t always a lifestyle or even a label. It might be a recurring curiosity, an occasional practice, or something woven into a person’s erotic imagination, without ever surfacing in public view.

The study’s findings challenge the idea that kink is defined only by what you do. In reality, many people are exploring or resonating with kink at some level, even if it never becomes a visible part of their sex life.

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What the Kink Orientation Scale Measures

A recent peer-reviewed study introduced the Kink Orientation Scale (KOS), a tool designed to deepen how we understand kink—not as a single identity, but as a multi-dimensional experience. Instead of offering a binary yes-or-no definition, the KOS explores kink across four dimensions: desire, behavior, identity, and openness.

You might often fantasize about kink, but rarely act on it. You could engage in kink with partners yet never claim it as a personal identity. Or you might feel that kink is core to who you are, regardless of how often you practice it. Each of these dimensions tells part of the story.

This framework matters because it validates people’s internal experiences. It acknowledges that you don’t need a dungeon in your basement to be “kinky”—sometimes, the most significant relationship to kink lives quietly in your mind or emotions. There are five elements the scale looks at:

• Sexual Communciation— Can you discuss your interests, limitations and safe words with a partner?
• Practices — Have you engaged in it? Do you interests lean a little less vanilla? 
• Gear — How comfortable are you purchasing and using items and equipment to spice things up? 
• Identity — Do you see it as part of who you are?
• Community— Do you feel a social aspect or that you are part of a group or subgroup? 

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Younger Generations Are Reframing Kink

Cultural norms around kink are shifting, especially among younger adults. According to one recent survey, 55% of Gen Z and 52% of Millennials report having kinky fantasies. Gen Z women, in particular, are among the most open to exploring non-normative sexual dynamics, often embracing the fluidity of roles and desire.

Rather than seeing kink as something secretive or subversive, many young adults treat it as an authentic part of sexual exploration. It’s not about rebellion—it’s about alignment.

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Pandemic Shifts: When Isolation Opened the Door

The pandemic years had a strange way of turning up the volume on people’s inner lives. For some, that included their sexual curiosity. One-third of American men became more sexually experimental during this time, and nearly 30% purchased new sex toys. A smaller—but still notable—percentage explored anal play for the first time and reported feeling more comfortable with it.

What might have started as novelty or boredom became, for many, a gateway to self-discovery. In a world where routines broke down, people gave themselves permission to follow new rhythms—including erotic ones.

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Kink Can Deepen Intimacy

Despite popular narratives, wanting to explore kink doesn’t mean something is broken. In fact, research shows it can often bring partners closer. Thirty-five percent of couples report using kink as a way to strengthen their connection, and nearly three-quarters of those who tried new sexual experiences said it made them feel more bonded.

Kink, when rooted in consent and curiosity, isn’t a replacement for intimacy—it can be a new language for it.

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So… How Kinky Are You?

If you’ve ever felt drawn to power play, intensity, or roles that break the norm, you’re far from alone. You may not identify as kinky. You might never step into a scene. But your desire, your curiosity, your identity—they all count.

The question isn’t whether you fit into a box. It’s whether you’re willing to explore the shape of your own. Thanks to the Kink Orientation Scale and other emerging research, we have better tools than ever to understand the complexity of our erotic lives.

Being kinky isn’t just about what you do. It’s about how you feel, how you relate, and how open you’re willing to be—with yourself most of all.

Want to take the Kink Orientation Scale? – Take the quiz here

About the Author

Brendan Abbott is a certified life coach, Master NLP practitioner, and trained hypnotherapist with over 20 years of healthcare leadership experience—including 10 years in senior executive roles. He specializes in helping men reconnect with confidence, presence, and emotional truth—especially around intimacy, identity, and purpose.
Through coaching, content, and compassionate conversation, Brendan creates discreet spaces where high-achieving men can explore the deeper layers of their inner life without shame or judgment.
He is currently completing additional certifications in embodied intimacy and Gottman-based relationship work.