Why Did I Do That? A Man’s Honest Look at Infidelity (Without Shame or Excuses)
You didn’t plan for this.
It can start innocently enough with a few messages. Some much needed interest or attention. A playful moment that spiraled. Maybe it happened just one time, bu you can’t stop thinking about it. You didn’t wake up that morning wanting to hurt anyone. But now, you’re here. In the middle of it or sworn to put it past you. Ruminating over the quesiton: “Why did I do that?”
You’re not alone. And you’re not broken.
Research suggests that almost 1 in 4 men admit to extramarital sex during their lifetime. The Institute for Family Studies reports that men are more liikely to cheat than women – 20% of men and 13% of womn admit to infidelity.
This isn’t about justifying cheating. But it is about understanding it — figuring out what lead you to this place. Until you understand it, you can’t heal or grow from it. And beating yourself up doesn’t change the past or help you in the future.
This is for the man who wants to tell the truth — to himself — even if he’s afraid of what he might find.
“I Never Meant to Hurt Anyone”: When Affairs Aren’t Just About Sex
Let’s get this out of the way: most men don’t cheat because they’re just horny.
Sure, sex is involved, but it’s rarely the root.
The reason men talk about why they cheat most often involves needing to feel something they are not getting in their lives. They are longing to feel desired, chosen, powerful, alive, validated and understood.
It’s not always planned. Sometimes it’s a long steady decline — emotional disconnection, rejection, resentment — until one day, a moment appears. And you say yes. Not because you want to destroy your life. However in that moment you can sense relief, filling a long standing void. As if you were really seen for who you were.
🧠 What Men Are Actually Chasing
Affairs don’t just happen in the bedroom.
They happen in the lonely silence at dinner.
When you feel that regardless of what you do it always seems to be the wrong thing.
In the shut-down moments when you wanted to be touched and weren’t.
At the heart of many affairs is a man who’s asking, “Do I still matter?”
Here’s what that can look like:
- Feeling desired: Not just tolerated. Not just functional. But wanted — for who you are, not what waht you do.
- Feeling chosen: That someone would still pick you, even now. Even with the grey at his temples or the weight of fatherhood or job loss.
- Feeling powerful: That you still have presence, charm, magnetism — something you thought you lost.
- Feeling alive: Because routine can become a slow erosion. New attention can feel like defibrillation.
- Feeling validated: Someone saw you. Complimented you. Laughed at your joke. Touched your arm and meant it. Appreciated you.
- Feeling understood: Because even if you couldn’t say it out loud, someone seemed to get wha you were carrying.
💬 “It wasn’t the sex I missed. It was someone lighting up when I walked in the room.”
Author Dr. Robert Weiss suggests cheating can be driven by insecuirty, lack of social supports and people to share problems and challenges with, low self-esteem, addictions (including sex addiction), and as a result of trauma or abuse.
Nick, 43, married with two kids
Nick hadn’t felt affection from his wife in over a year. They were good parents, good roommates. But the spark was long gone. When a coworker started complimenting his ideas in meetings, laughing at his jokes, brushing his shoulder as they passed — he felt something stir. “It wasn’t even physical at first,” he says. “I just felt seen again.” That emotional pull turned into late-night messages… then more. “It was like being noticed after years of invisibility.”
🔄 Intent vs. Impact: You’re Still Responsible
Let’s be clear — just because you didn’t intend to cause harm doesn’t mean no harm was done. There are real consequences to broken trust. Real people get hurt. That matters.
But shame isn’t the same as accountability.
Shame says: I’m a terrible person.
Accountability says: I did something out of alignment — and now I have to face it honestly.
You can own your impact without being destroyed by it.
Andre, 37, in a long-term relationship
Andre had been with his partner, Joel, for six years. “He’s my best friend,” he says. But the sexual side of their relationship had slowed to almost nothing. “I started to feel like a pet — not a partner.” When someone from a local running group started flirting, Andre brushed it off… at first. “Then one night, I just let it happen.” He broke things off after — but the ache remains. “It wasn’t about being unfaithful. It was about wanting to feel wanted again. Like I wasn’t just taking up space.”
🔥 The Thrill Is Real (and So Is the Crash)
Affairs, whether emotional or physical, release a flood of dopamine, norepinephrine, and adrenaline. It’s a cocktail of desire, danger, and possibility. That rush can feel energizing and addictive.
But those highs don’t last. And when they crash, they often leave you with:
- Shame
- Fear of being found out
- Anxiety
- Guilt
- Confusion about what you really want
You didn’t necessarily think it through. You got carried away.
Because when you’re chasing relief, you’re not planning for consequences.
It Was a Strategy, Not a Solution
Maybe this was how your nervous system tried to get what it needed — connection, affirmation, intensity, escape.
But the affair wasn’t the solution. It was a strategy. One that worked… until it didn’t.
Infidelity often comes from legitimate needs being met by the wrong tactic. The wrong outlet. The wrong context. And often, at a level below conscious awareness.
You didn’t cheat because you’re evil, or selfish or a piece of crap.
You cheated because something in you was calling out for relief — and this was the fastest route it found.
Marcus, 48, married, professional burnout
Marcus had hit the wall. Working 60 hours a week, trying to keep his family afloat, watching his father’s health decline. “I felt numb. Like I was just grinding through life.” When a woman he met at a professional conference showed interest, he didn’t push it away. “It was like someone flipped the lights back on.” The affair didn’t last. But the shame did. “It didn’t fix anything. But in the moment, it felt like oxygen. Part distraction and part being free”
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Final Thought: You’re Not Defined by Your Worst Moment
Cheating doesn’t mean you’re incapable of love.
It means something went unmet, unspoken, or unhealed — and you reached for the wrong relief.
That’s not about being a “bad guy.” That’s about being human.
Now you have a choice. To understand. To grow. To repair. Not because you have to — but because a more honest, connected, and empowered version of you is waiting.
And you are worth meeting him.
About the Author
Brendan Abbott is a certified life coach, Master NLP practitioner, and trained hypnotherapist with over 20 years of healthcare leadership experience—including 10 years in senior executive roles. He specializes in helping men reconnect with confidence, presence, and emotional truth—especially around intimacy, identity, and purpose.
Through coaching, content, and compassionate conversation, Brendan creates discreet spaces where high-achieving men can explore the deeper layers of their inner life without shame or judgment.
He is currently completing additional certifications in embodied intimacy and Gottman-based relationship work.
“You’re not broken. You’re in transition. This is the beginning of something deeper.”
