Title: When the Sex Stops: What It Means, Why It Happens, and What to Do When You’re the Only One Who Cares
You’re Not Alone. But It Might Feel That Way.
You used to have sex. Now you don’t. And no one talks about what that means.
Whether you’re still in a committed relationship, married, or quietly wondering if something is wrong, the absence of sex often raises questions most people are too afraid to ask out loud:
- Is this normal?
- Is our relationship broken?
- Is something wrong with me?
- What happens if nothing changes?
This article is for you.
What Counts as a Sexless Marriage or Low-Sex Relationship?
According to studies conducted in the US, around 7 percent of adults have not had sex in the past year, extend that period out to five years and 4 percent of participants haven’t had sex. If you look instead at those having infrequent sexual activity, the percentages climb higher to around 14-15%.
A “sexless marriage” is typically defined as having sex fewer than 10 times per year. A “low-sex marriage” often means sex is happening less than once a month. But here’s what really matters: not the number, but whether both partners are content with the level of intimacy.
As Michele Weiner-Davis points out in The Sex-Starved Marriage, it’s not the frequency that causes pain, but the gap between partners’ needs: “When one partner is longing for more touch, more closeness, more sex—and the other partner seems indifferent or unwilling—the impact is not just physical, but emotional.”
If you’re feeling rejected, shut down, or alone in your desire—this article will help you begin to make sense of what’s happening.
Why It Happens (and It’s Not Always What You Think)
Many people assume a drop in sex means one partner is no longer attracted to the other. But in reality, it’s often a mix of factors:
- Hormonal shifts (menopause, low testosterone)
- Chronic stress, exhaustion, burnout
- Emotional disconnection or unresolved conflict
- A loss of play, mystery, or flirtation
- Trauma history or body shame
Desire isn’t always spontaneous. For many people, it’s responsive—it comes after feeling emotionally safe, relaxed, or desired. When those conditions aren’t met, sex can slowly fade without anyone quite knowing why.
Matt never imagined he’d be the one saying no to sex. But somewhere between stress at work, raising kids, and just feeling constantly exhausted, the spark had disappeared. His wife had tried—gentle touches, direct asks, even late-night “we need to talk” moments. He always felt guilty, like he was failing her somehow. He didn’t want to reject her, but he also couldn’t fake wanting something he didn’t feel. Now, the space between them isn’t just physical—it’s emotional. And he’s scared he’s broken something he doesn’t know how to fix.
The Silent Spiral
Most couples don’t talk about it right away.
Maybe it started with long work hours or parenting fatigue. Maybe one rejection turned into ten. Maybe it just didn’t feel worth bringing up anymore.
What often follows is a painful dynamic:
- One partner feels shut down, lonely, and increasingly bitter
- The other feels pressured, criticized, or guilty
- Conversations turn to arguments, or don’t happen at all
- Intimacy is replaced with distance, avoidance, or emotional shutdown
If this goes on long enough, it begins to snowball:
- You question whether you’re being “selfish”
- You wonder if the relationship can survive without sex
- You start fearing an affair (yours or theirs)
- Or you think about opening the relationship—and then don’t, because even that conversation feels impossible
All the while, your sense of self and connection erodes.
Jake and Marissa hadn’t had sex in almost nine months. It wasn’t a fight or a conscious choice—it just faded. Every time Jake considered bringing it up, something held him back: fear of being rejected, fear of starting a fight, or worse, confirming what he already suspected—that she didn’t want him anymore. Marissa, for her part, avoided intimacy altogether. She wasn’t sure why it had changed either. They still functioned as a team—house, kids, holidays—but the part that once made them feel like lovers had gone quiet, and neither of them knew how to speak into the silence.
What to Do If You’re the Only One Who Cares
Here’s where many people get stuck.
You want to talk. You want to understand. You want things to feel close again.
But your partner doesn’t. They avoid the topic, shut it down, or say things like:
- “You’re always making a big deal about this.”
- “Why isn’t what we have enough for you?”
- “You’re just obsessed with sex.”
This is where the pain sharpens. Because now it’s not just about the lack of sex—it’s about the lack of engagement. You feel like you’re asking for something fundamental, and being made to feel guilty for needing it.
And here’s the truth: You don’t need your partner’s permission to start your own process of understanding and healing.
You can:
- Work with a therapist or coach who understands the emotional and relational impact of desire discrepancies
- Learn how to express your needs without shame or pressure
- Build clarity about what this means for you, with or without your partner’s participation
David had tried to bring it up twice already. Once casually—“We haven’t had sex in a while, huh?”—and once more directly, which had ended in his partner snapping, “Why does everything have to be about sex with you?” After that, he stopped asking. It had been a year. They still shared a bed, shared meals, shared jokes—but something unspoken had taken root between them: David’s quiet sadness, and a growing fear that wanting more made him needy, broken, or hard to love. He felt more alone in the relationship than when he was single.
Can a Relationship Survive Without Sex?
Yes—but only if both partners feel at peace with that.
If one of you is quietly grieving, while the other insists “everything is fine,” the cost will show up somewhere: in arguments, resentment, health, or emotional numbing. Sometimes, in infidelity.
Sex isn’t everything. But it is a meaningful form of connection, vulnerability, and vitality.
If it’s gone, the relationship needs to make sense of that loss together—or it risks collapsing under the weight of what remains unspoken.
You’re Not Broken. And You’re Not Alone.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been carrying quiet pain for a while.
There is nothing wrong with wanting sex. There’s nothing wrong with needing emotional closeness. And there is definitelynothing wrong with seeking support.
Whether your partner is willing to work on this or not, you can begin.
[Explore how coaching can help you navigate this process—privately, honestly, and on your own terms.]
If you’re feeling the quiet ache of this… you’re not alone.
Whether you’re just beginning to name what’s missing, or you’re stuck in a loop of unspoken frustration—there is a path forward.
You don’t need to convince your partner. You don’t need a diagnosis. You need space to think clearly, privately, and without shame.
👉 [Explore 1:1 coaching for men navigating desire, disconnection, and quiet crises.]
❓ FAQ: When the Sex Stops in a Relationship
What is considered a sexless marriage?
A sexless marriage typically means fewer than 10 sexual encounters per year. But the emotional impact often matters more than the actual number.
Can a relationship survive without sex?
It can—but only if both partners feel at peace with the lack of intimacy. If one partner is quietly suffering, that disconnection will show up elsewhere.
Why do couples stop having sex?
The reasons are rarely simple. It can stem from emotional distance, chronic stress, hormonal shifts, resentment, or trauma—not just a lack of attraction.
Is it normal for sex to stop in long-term relationships?Yes, it’s common for sexual frequency to change over time. What matters most is whether both partners still feel connected, desired, and understood.
A sexless marriage typically means fewer than 10 sexual encounters per year. But the emotional impact often matters more than the actual number.
What should I do if my partner won’t talk about it?
Start by supporting yourself. Whether or not your partner engages, you can seek coaching, therapy, or reflection to clarify what you want and need.
Related Reading:
- Mismatched Libido in Relationships: Tips for Navigating the Disconnect
- Coming Soon: How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Avoids the Conversation
About the Author
Brendan Abbott is a certified life coach, Master NLP practitioner, and trained hypnotherapist with over 20 years of healthcare leadership experience—including 10 years in senior executive roles. He specializes in helping men reconnect with confidence, presence, and emotional truth—especially around intimacy, identity, and purpose.
Through coaching, content, and compassionate conversation, Brendan creates discreet spaces where high-achieving men can explore the deeper layers of their inner life without shame or judgment.
He is currently completing additional certifications in embodied intimacy and Gottman-based relationship work.
“You’re not broken. You’re in transition. This is the beginning of something deeper.”
