Exploring Non-Monogamy? A Beginner’s Guide to Ethical, Shame-Free Relationships
Maybe you’ve felt it — a quiet question in the back of your mind. Could relationships look different than what you were taught? Is it possible to love more than one person, or have freedom and trust at the same time?
If you’re exploring the idea of non-monogamy, you’re not alone. Many people are beginning to question the assumptions they inherited about what love, commitment, and partnership should look like. This article is a gentle, shame-free primer designed for people who are just beginning to dip their toes into this world — whether out of curiosity, desire, or confusion.
What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)? A Beginner’s Guide to Relationship Freedom
Non-monogamy is any relationship structure where people agree that romantic and/or sexual exclusivity is not a requirement. That doesn’t mean chaos or cheating — in fact, ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is all about communication, clarity, and consent.
Some people explore non-monogamy to deepen their emotional growth, others to explore their sexuality, and many because traditional models of love just don’t quite fit. If you’ve been searching for terms like “open relationship rules” or “how to open up a relationship to other people,” this guide is for you.
Types of Non-Monogamy (with Simple Definitions)
- Open Relationship: A couple agrees that one or both can have sexual partners outside the relationship. There are often rules or boundaries about what’s okay and what’s not.
- Polyamory: The practice of having (or the capacity for) more than one romantic relationship at a time, with everyone aware and consenting.
- Swinging: Usually involves committed couples engaging in recreational sex with others, often in social or party settings.
- Relationship Anarchy: Rejects the idea that romantic relationships must be prioritized over friendships or other types of bonds; emphasizes freedom and autonomy. It argues back against one primary partner above others.
- Solo Polyamory: A person who may have multiple partners but does not seek to merge lives, finances, or living situations.
- Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT): A form of non-monogamy where partners agree not to share information about outside encounters — this one requires plenty of conversation and agreement if that is the route you choose.
There are many variations and blends — these categories are just starting points, not boxes.
Rules & Boundaries in Open Relationships
If you’re just starting out, one of the most common beginner questions is: “What are the rules?”
The short answer is – whatever you agree to with your partner or partners. That said there are some principles and best practices. Here are a few areas where couples often establish agreements:
- Are outside connections emotional, sexual, or both?
- Is it okay to spend the night elsewhere?
- Do you want to know the details — or not?
- Are there safer sex expectations (e.g., protection, testing)?
- How often can things happen outside the relationship?
Rules aren’t about control — they’re about care. And they can evolve as you grow. They demonstrate the respect you have for your partners. It’s been said that non monogamous partners up front have a lot of conversations about boundaries and what’s okay and not okay – sometimes that same things that get assumed and result in conflict for monogamous couples later on.
Common Misconceptions
- “It’s just about sex.” While sexuality may be part of it, many people pursue non-monogamy for emotional connection, autonomy, or freedom of expression.
- “Non-monogamy means you’re not committed.” Commitment can look different — for many in ENM, it means honesty, emotional care, and choice, not ownership.
- “You’ll just get jealous and it’ll fall apart.” Jealousy is real — but so is growth. ENM can actually foster deeper emotional self-awareness and communication.
Why People Explore Non-Monogamy
There’s no one single reason, but here are a few:
- A desire for more honest conversations about attraction and needs
- A feeling that traditional monogamy hasn’t worked or feels confining
- Personal growth through intimacy, emotional resilience, and self-awareness
- Curiosity, freedom, or a longing to feel more fully expressed
For some, this is about sex. For others, it’s about honesty. For many, it’s about healing and redefining what’s possible in love.
Things to Keep in Mind
- There’s no one “right way” to do this
- Do what you feel is right for you – not worrying about how others might perceive it
- Consent, honesty, and communication are non-negotiable
- It’s okay to feel scared, excited, confused, or all of the above
- Moving slowly is wise — and valid
- It’s okay to change your mind
This isn’t about being trendy. It’s about discovering what fits — for you, your body, your values, and your heart.
If You’re Just Starting Out
Read, listen, ask questions. Seek out conversations with people who live this thoughtfully. Therapy or coaching can help too — especially if you’re deconstructing shame or struggling to articulate your truth.
If you’re curious but overwhelmed, my coaching offers a safe, private place to sort through your feelings — without pressure or judgment. You don’t need to label yourself. You just need space to be honest.
This is your journey. Take your time. Trust your pace. You’re not alone.
5 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re ENM-Curious
- Am I interested in non-monogamy for connection, sex, freedom — or something else?
- What beliefs about love, commitment, or jealousy do I want to question or heal?
- How would I want to navigate boundaries, emotions, or insecurities?
- Am I doing this for me, or to save a struggling relationship?
- What kind of communication or support would I need to feel safe and seen?
🧭 Note: Non-monogamy isn’t right for everyone — and it doesn’t automatically fix relationship issues. This guide is designed to support informed, thoughtful exploration, not promote any one path.
About the Author
Brendan Abbott is a certified life coach, Master NLP practitioner, and trained hypnotherapist with over 20 years of leadership experience—including 10 years in senior executive roles. He specializes in helping men reconnect with confidence, presence, and emotional truth—especially around intimacy, identity, and purpose.
Through coaching, content, and compassionate conversation, Brendan creates discreet spaces where high-achieving men can explore the deeper layers of their inner life without shame or judgment.
He is currently completing additional certifications in embodied intimacy and Gottman-based relationship work.
“You’re not broken. You’re in transition. This is the beginning of something deeper.”
